I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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