my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
