You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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