ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
