John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
