.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
