My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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