Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
