you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Terrible idea I love it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
