Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
