rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
