I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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