I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
