Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
