I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My vagina just recognized that song.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
