Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
