life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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