Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
