Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
