why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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