The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
