i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
