Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
