Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
