My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
