your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
