And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
