o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
