Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
