Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
