Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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