I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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