i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
