i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
