Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We're too hungover to prance.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
