Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
