Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
