Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
