So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
