I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
