I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
