I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I wish i was in the wii world.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
