Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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