oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
