Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
