she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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