Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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