I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
