By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
