Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
